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Master Bacon

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Let's talk about capitalism and Kiva lending [24 Jan 2009|06:27pm]
I love it. I fucking love it. I love that it's possible to us your smarts, your sweat, and your ingenuity to make money and better your lot in life. "But TheReject!" I hear you say. "Money isn't everything!"

Well no shit. Money has exactly one purpose for me: it exists as a convenient exchangeable good to obtain the things I want. Namely, good bourbon, scotch, and new video games. Money has no intrinsic value, it's an abstract concept that we made up because it was too damn onerous to calculate how many goats it takes to pay for an aircraft carrier. And only capitalism provides an avenue for someone to legitimately acquire as much of it as their ingenuity allows.

Money is a wonderful thing. The downside it that it often requires some money in order to make some money. Sure you can pull yourself up by your bootstraps and work your way out of a third-world ghetto through sheer sweat and determination... but in the real world that's an extraordinary event. When you're worrying about feeding your family over the coming week it's often hard to think about the "bigger picture." So now you might be thinking that it's a good idea to donate to charity and feed the poor. You would be wrong. Unless you like giving to charity, in which case you would be right. Capitalism lets you put your money where you want.

As an avid supporter of capitalism, I am by necessity a supporter of capitalists. That's why I've been putting money into rotating micro-loans through KIVA. I highly recommend others do the same, if for no other reason than that of shared interest. I have a vested interest in the world being filled with capitalists and entrepeneurs. As a whole they enrich my life and expand the array of delightful things I can purchase to drink, eat, or play to increment numbers in a computer machine. More importantly, it's like giving charity but better. At the end of the process I have improved the world by a small but measurable amount and I get my money back! I can then redeem the paid loan, or put it back into circulation with another budding entrepeneur.

I highly recommend you all do the same, but given the current global economy make sure you take care of yourself first. It's the capitalist thing to do.
6 comments|post comment

Dear Obama... [18 Sep 2008|05:26pm]
You are going to lose the election.

No, seriously. If you want to win you need to stop with the shit-slinging and easily disproven lies about your stance on issues. You are running on a platform of change, hope, and truth. You're showing that two legs of your tripod are made of papier-mâché. Nobody votes for a one-legged man.
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On happiness and peanut butter [16 Oct 2007|12:00am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

"Babies don't come out of left field, they're delivered by sharks!" - marasca

SPAM is an ever-increasing annoyance. I get several hundred a day and it makes me quite the grumpy individual. I can comb through my inbox in a matter of moments, but the more public-facing folk in my company will get thousands. Literally thousands of spam, phishing, worm, or pure gibberish messages in a day. Obviously it's not cost effective to sort through them all, so I've had the pleasure of installing new SPAM-scrubbing software at the gateway. Hopefully GFI will make my life easier. I pray it will be so.

I could wax poetic about the lost productivity these spammers cost us. I could complain about the storage space used, cpu cycles wasted, or bandwidth misappropriated. I could bellyache endlessly about the way Microsoft is (and will be for the foreseeable future) holding the Internet hostage due to poor security implementation and refusal to invest in safe coding practices. I won't though. I won't because that's not why I bring this up. The whole SPAM issue is referenced only as something a writer would refer to as a "vehicle" in order to move the plot or facilitate the expression of an idea. Ladies and gentlemen, the idea is expressed thusly:

peanut butter oatmeal rocks the proverbial house down to its proverbial foundations.

It's midnight, I'm hungry, and all I have in the house is steel-cut oats and some peanut butter. Chance... or fate? You be the judge. A little honey and a little milk later, I have bliss.

and on happinessCollapse )

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Am I losing my meat-powered abilities? [11 Sep 2007|07:25pm]
I'm not sure I believe in the recession. Sure, the dollar is plummeting in relation to oher currencies. Sure, Iran is preparing to ram an oil tanker up our economy by undermining the dollar's only global support mechanism. Sure, the housing market is crumbling faster than the Big Dig tunnel. I'm not concerned about any of that.

People are still paying metric assloads of money for gewgaws. As long as we have rampant consumerism, we're ok. Right?

Ouch, my intestines!Collapse )
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On gold digging [22 Aug 2007|05:20pm]
In my ongoing efforts to locate someone willing to put up with my nonsense on a more permanent basis, I have once again signed up at an online dating site. You will find a fantastic array of people on these sites, from busy professionals with no time to find mates outside of work to trailer park rejects that post pictures themselves posing with a baby in one hand and a bottle of Old English in the other. At least they recognize the importance of this photo op, as they generally don their best tank top for the event.

The group I'd like to focus on generally springs from the lower end of the spectrum with a few previously middle-class stay-at-home moms whos husbands left them sprinkled in for variety. I call them the Wallet Seekers. They're out for a financial support, and if the man/wallet can be a surrogate dad to their offspring then that's a nice bonus. They're easy to spot because they aggressively pursue men even though they don't meet a single dating requirement. Worse, they will omit certain details such as their single-parent status when dating the man. I usually identify them quickly and block their messages. I have no desire to ever have or raise a child. I make this clear in my preferences and profile. I readily admit that I've been fixed: the nards have been culled, the bullets taken out of the gun. These loins will bear no fruit. They just won't take no for an answer.

Sometimes they get through, like rats gnawing through the basement cinderblocks. This weekend I met such a woman.

She found me online, sent me a message, and we agreed to meet for dinner. We had a lovely meal at Coastal Flats. I made the mistake of ordering the shrimp ball appetizer, since they passingly resemble a plate of hairy testicles when served. Tee hee.

We eventually ended up back at her place, where I was greeted with all manner of child's toy and Disney movie spread about the living room. I quite clearly remember mentioning my distaste for mini-humes. When I remarked upon this she told me that I was sweet and would make a wonderful father. She told me that I just hadn't met the right woman until now, and I would fall in love with her children and it would be different.


The "it's different when it's your own" argument. My old nemesis.
9 comments|post comment

Amusing and factual [20 Jul 2007|06:52pm]
Bush Butt Probed, Cheney in Charge

Oh man, they changed it. That's ok, I took a screenshot. Turns out it's a real article. I know Google automatically shows retrieves articles, it just amused me.
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Lawyers are stupid [30 Jun 2007|08:53pm]
I say this as someone with years of experience in dealing with lawyers. The partners in my failed I.T. company were lawyers. Most of my clients were lawyers. 7% of my friends list are lawyers (no offense, but you're damned by the company you keep). Some of my family members are lawyers. I know what I'm talking about.

Currently, I'm the senior network engineer and data storage specialist at a company that provides e-discovery and digital forensic services for law firms. I've spent the majority of my Saturday processing case data for a law firm in a generic white-collar crime case. In the past three hours, I have received requests from three of the lawyers involved in the case to clarify the data I am sending them. By "clarify" I mean "print out the email I sent them and mail it to them instead" because as one lawyer put it "im not up with nw[sic] technology"

Three lawyers from a single firm want me to print out my email and mail it to them because they don't understand email. More importantly, they communicated this desire to me through email. What the fuck.

I'd like to say this is a rare occurrence, but I do recall at least one of my clients during my consulting days that would forward his email to his secretary so she could print it out and bring it to him in his office.

The only question is whether they are a cause or a symptom of the ailments that afflict our legal system.

ps. Barbecue chicken pizza and Knob Creek go amazingly well together.
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The end is extremely fucking nigh [13 Jun 2007|04:29pm]
I don't know if it was the hail, wind, or hail that knocked out the power. It doesn't matter. Not much matters right now. I don't have a computer or radio, and nobody is answering the phone. I know what's happening, I just don't believe it.

I'm in the records room. Vault doors and cement walls. They can't get in. I can't get out either, not that it would do any good. I don't know who else is seeing this, but I hope you're safe. I hope you don't see this. I hope you don't see me.

I went out to see why the generator didn't start. Maybe it was still turned off for the maintenance yesterday. I don't know, because I didn't make it. Sometimes life imitates movies, you know? They came from the park next door. Stumbling, lurching, and just... wrong. I didn't see them until they were on top of me, grabbing and pulling. I guess the rain helped me, because I was slippery enough to get away and back inside. They came after. They just ran through the glass, and didn't even slow down as it shattered and cut into them.

The people in the hall didn't run. I guess they were confused, because who the fuck would have expected this? I shouldn't be laughing I guess, but did you hear the one about the bear? I don't have to run faster than the bear, I just have to run faster than you. Aw hell. I'm bad, let me have one last indulgence.

I hope you don't see me.

I wasn't fast enough I guess. My arm hurts. My wrist is swollen where they bit me. I'm cold and I keep vomiting. I still don't believe it, but I've seen enough movies to know how this one ends.

If you see me, say hello. Maybe I'll hear you. I'd like to hear you. Just once more.

This message was sent from my BlackBerry handheld device.
4 comments|post comment

Out of his mind and into our hearts [05 Jun 2007|10:40am]
June 4, 2004.
Driven to desperation by corrupt beaurocrats, businessmen, and law enforcement, a reasonable man was forced to take unreasonable measures to get his message across. He perished in the attempt, but now bulldozes clouds through the heavens as eternal reward.

His last stand.Collapse )
Even if it seems certain that you will lose, retaliate. Neither wisdom nor technique has a place in this. A real man does not think of victory or defeat. He plunges recklessly towards an irrational death. By doing this, you will awaken from your dreams. -Hagakure

3 comments|post comment

Nerd humor [19 May 2007|09:33pm]
[ mood | working on the weekend ]

Q: What do you get when a 4 terabyte array drops 5 hard drives at once?

A: A lot of useless data! HAHAHAHAhAah aha ... aw crud.

This is not the first time this has happened on an array which is not on the backup cycle because it should not have contained critical or production data. There are times when "should not" and "does not" are not the same thing.

In other news, I am going to try to swear less often.

7 comments|post comment

No words... they should have sent a poet [18 May 2007|07:50pm]
I just saw the new Transformers trailer.

I am so hard right now.
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Hmm... I smell overtime on the horizon [15 May 2007|11:31pm]
I found out late this afternoon that my company will be relocating. It's a very nice move for me, actually. My commute would change from 17 miles to 4 miles. I'm stoked about that. As senior network engineer and the only experienced I.T. project manager on staff, it is my duty to handle the provisioning on circuits and such. This includes getting a facility backup generator installed, installing environmentals (HVACs, etc), moving the datacenter, setting up Internet and phones, and wiring the new cube farm. I can build it how I want it. AWESOME.

Oh, and we need to be in by June 30. Not so awesome.
1 comment|post comment

Whoa. A hit on my profile. [09 May 2007|10:03pm]
I received a flirt from feelinhot21477! Oh god I think she likes me. She's 22, blond, and has an almost completely blank profile. I bet she was so enthralled by my profile that she just had to send me a flirt and couldn't take the time to tell me anything about herself (other than that she has a dog)

Well, I cannot let this one slip away. I replied to her, and I will make her swoon. Swoon, I say!

There is nothing I love more than a flirt from a beautiful woman, except maybe pancakes. Oh god I love pancakes. This morning I woke up and I thought to myself "It's a damn fine morning for pancakes!" unfortunately I was out of pancake mix, so I had to make do with yogurt. (It was pretty tasty yogurt though)

So... I don't mean to pry, but could you tell me a little about yourself? What kind of guy are you looking for, a guy that likes pancakes? What do you do for fun? (other than eat pancakes I mean, because I think we can both agree that pancakes are awesome.)

No woman can resist me.
10 comments|post comment

Help me write my e-profile [02 May 2007|05:53pm]
Ok everyone, I need you to help me write an irresistable online dating profile. So far I have:
"I am a mammal, and though I have mammaries (the mark of a mammal, hence the term mammal [perhaps they should be called mammalries]) I do not lactate as I am a male of the species."

All we've really established here is that I don't nurture my young by storing them in a pouch on my abdomen, so give me some pointers.
9 comments|post comment

Linux is for nerds [02 May 2007|12:43pm]
and it always will be until the interface and system management are streamlined to a point where installing/updating/upgrading are reasonable endeavors rather than epic feats. Believe it or not, the general public doesn't care about how their refrigerator works, they just want their yogurt to be cold. They don't want to have to recompile the engine in their car when they get up to go to work every morning, they want it to just turn on.

So until Linux can offer me a solution where I don't have to read a 30 page document just to figure out how to install an SDK, Linux can suck my floppy bits.
11 comments|post comment

Fitness update [29 Apr 2007|09:28pm]
Much as others do, I'm going to make occasional posts concerning my efforts to get back into shape. You never know when you'll need to sprint for that last sale item, chase down a purse snatcher, or escape the ravenous horde of zombies you accidentally unleashed with your home ZomboTron kit. So... I'm getting back into shape. I'm trying to get my six-pack back. I currently have a four pack. What I want to know is where the hell did my other two go did somebody steal them or what.

I've been making regular forays into the great wide world of mostly-empty parkinglots on my skates for some time. I recently started taking them on the street, and I remember now why I stay in parking lots: people drive like idiots. I got bounced off the hood of a car this morning when they decided that instead of stopping at the stop sign, they would pull out halfway into the shoulder I was occupying. Fine fine, I'll stick to the lots. So I went jogging for a bit, and I have discovered that I can still cover two or more miles in one go. That's not bad for not having run much during the past couple years.I'm not as fast as I used to be, but I'll get there.

I am now celebrating with pizza and ice cream. You have to ease into this whole weight loss thing, one step at a time.
24 comments|post comment

Not as good as I thought. [27 Apr 2007|08:00pm]
I've always thought of myself as a good and upstanding guy. Three different alignment tests say otherwise. I'll just call myself a follower of the Way of the Closed Fist.

You are 16.7% Good.
You are 15.4% Chaotic.

Alignment: True Neutral

You do whatever seems like a good idea at the time. You don't feel any strong inclination towards good vs. evil or law vs. chaos. Some may say that you lack conviction, while others might admire you for your capability of remaining unbiased. You likely prefer good versus evil in society, since good people tend to make better neighbors and rulers, but you are not personally committed to upholding good in any abstract or universal way.
You are the stereotypical “Balancer.” You act in a way that is natural to you without prejudice or compulsion.
Examples of characters and people who fit into the same alignment as you include Linus Torvalds, Dr. Strangelove, Scott Evil, Mr. Spock, and the nation of Switzerland.

True Neutral

You don't really hold any strong opinions about good or evil. You won't blindly follow the law, but you won't break it without good reason, either. Some might see you as wishy-washy, but try to think of it as a lack of bias.

Your Character’s Alignment

Based on your answers to the quiz, your character’s most likely alignment is Neutral.


A neutral character does what seems to be a good idea. She doesn’t feel strongly one way or the other when it comes to good vs. evil or law vs. chaos. Most neutrality is a lack of conviction or bias rather than a commitment to neutrality. Such a character thinks of good as better than evil. After all, she would rather have good neighbors and rulers than evil ones. Still, she’s not personally committed to upholding good in any abstract or universal way. Some neutral characters, on the other hand, commit themselves philosophically to neutrality. They see good, evil, law, and chaos as prejudices and dangerous extremes. They advocate the middle way of neutrality as the best, most balanced road in the long run. The common phrase for neutral is "true neutral." Neutral is the best alignment you can be because it means you act naturally, without prejudice or compulsion.

--excerpted from the Player’s Handbook, Chapter 6
5 comments|post comment

A mathematical certainty [20 Apr 2007|03:30pm]
I have been reading the news, much like anyone else. The Virginia Tech shooting has been mislabeled as tragedy. It wasn't a tragedy, it was a mathematical certainty. It was the inevitable result of a poisoned culture that promotes risk and effort-avoidance over all else.

It is the end game of our coddling, the fruit of our labors to protect children from themselves and reality. It is what comes when you foam pad the world and refuse to let kids learn and interact with the world around them. When helicopter parents and litigious guardians prevent even the smallest conflict from arising in a child's life, how else do we expect them to deal with a major life-threatening situation but to lay down and die? Why are we astonished that they would sit there quietly as they were gunned down? We are labeling a young man as a hero for the "brave" act of barricading a door, which serves as a rather pointed example of how low we now set the bar in this country.

Children that grow up without conflict turn into young adults that lack even the most base survival instincts. Self defense is not a right. It is a responsibility. As a civilized being in a nation of civilized beings, it is your duty to act as a deterrant to uncivilized behavior. These students abdicated their responsibility to defend their own lives, they refused to live; and in doing so have shown the world that our society is sick and rotten but not for the reasons the papers would have us believe.

It wasn't a tragedy. It was an unavoidable and entirely predictable result of flawed social policy.
11 comments|post comment

I do not understand [16 Apr 2007|04:48pm]
TurboTax's online filing utility is slow as molasses, as if thens of thousands of people were attempting to file at once.
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Hello Pennsic [12 Apr 2007|07:10pm]
We will play a game.

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